Madness or Passion? 是瘋狂還是熱情？

It's not possible for me to read Van Gogh's life story straight through several chapters without stopping.
對我來說，要一口氣看完連續幾章梵谷的生平故事是不可能的。

Each periods of his life was full of passion towards living, yes, maybe in an unusual way, but it is still called passion.
不同的幾段生平歷程中是充滿了他對生命的熱情，是的，也許是非比尋常的，但是依舊是熱情的。

That kind of passion forces me to stop reading for a while and ponder on my life as a struggled young artist, or am I?
這樣的熱情逼著我必須停止一會並且思考我的人生，身為一個剛起步而掙扎的藝術家，或是，我是否能如此自稱？

Many people call us artists are crazy, living in an unreal world with our own useless imagination.
許多人稱我們藝術家為古怪的，依靠著我們沒用的想像力生活在一個不真實的世界。

Well, I agree, but rather put it in different words,
這個嘛，我姑且同意，但是寧願換個詞，

How about: In such vanity world, we artists choose to dissect the painful reality with a imaginative anesthesia?
“在這個虛幻的世界，我們藝術家選擇用富有想像的麻醉藥來解剖痛苦的實事” 如何？


Van Gogh, a passionate pastor who was rejected by hypocritical churches in his time.
梵谷，一個充滿熱忱的牧師，被他時代虛偽的教會所拒絕。

In the battle between surrendering to the outward fame and being true to his faith, he chose the second one.
在這個為外在聲譽而降和忠誠於自己信仰的戰爭裡，他選擇了後者。

After being an outcast of the church, he settle his passion in art.
在成為教會驅逐者後，他讓自己的熱情安頓於藝術之中。

You would assume life would be easier from now on, since, he was what he was meant to be.
你會以為生活自此 輕鬆，畢竟，他已走向他註定的路。

"Theo, should I give up?" "It's too late for me." "When can my art be considered mature, Theo?"
“西奧，我應該要放棄嗎？” “對我而言已經太晚了。” “到底要到什麼時候我的作品才能稱為成熟，西奧？”

He struggled. The more passion arose from his heart, the more he struggled.
他掙扎。越多的熱情由心而生，他越是掙扎。

When I read through this part of story, I no longer fear, even just for that seconds, as if I found a giant pillow to throw my exhausted body on.
當我讀到這一段故事時，我不再害怕，即使就是那幾秒鐘的時間而已，就好像我找到一個巨大的枕頭能讓我疲憊的身體倒下。

I dare not compare myself with Van Gogh, but maybe just a bit surprised that even Van Gogh shared the same frustration.
我不敢拿自己與梵谷相比，但就是對即便梵谷也共享相似挫折之處有點驚訝。

Eventually, his sincerity for life conquered the burden of being accepted in his time.
最終，他對生命的真誠度戰勝了為時人所接受的重擔。

Van Gogh took a risk, a big one. In return of that, he didn't even get to see it.
梵谷選擇了風險，一個挺大的風險。對於此舉之回報呢？他甚至沒能親眼而見。

But for as long as his works live, we all get to shared that pure passion that enough to stir hearts.
但是只要他的作品存在，我們都能同享這種能夠撼動人心的純真熱情。

It's hard to believe, not until near the end of story, (after he left Paris and moved to Arles then Saint Remy,) Van Gogh's famous "The Starry Night" was given life. And just about one year later, this persevere artist decided to follow the starry night away. 
很難相信，一直到接近故事的結尾，（他離開巴黎來到阿羅並且在之後到聖雷米）梵谷著名的"星夜"才被賦予生命。就在大約一年以後，這位執著的藝術家決定追隨那繁星的夜空而去。

Was he mad? Or was he too passionate?
他是瘋了？還是擁有太多的熱情？


Some people told me that I care too much about unsolvable problems, why bother?
有些人跟我說我在乎太多無法解決的問題，何苦？

I wonder, struggle, even frustrated by.
我納悶，掙扎，甚至為之而感到挫敗。

Am I dare to live in the reality?
我敢生活在現實之中嗎？

Or, maybe, this is all meant to be?
或是，也許， 這是命中註定？


I am grateful.
我很感恩。

As Theo to Van Gogh,
就如同西奧對梵谷一樣，

when the sky grows dark,
當天空由晴轉黑，

I too have a couple Theo that I could hide under.
我也有些西奧可以作為躲避之處。

When the storms passed,
當暴風過境，

as I look upward facing the starry night,
而當我望向那滿天的星斗，

it is colorful, again,
那天際依舊富有色彩，

and filled with unlimited passion.
而且 充斥著無盡的熱情。

Dreams that mountains could not bear 山巒不能承擔的夢想

最近讀了一本書，書名叫做阿拉斯加之死。

Recently, I read a book called "Into the Wilds."

對，就如同書名所說的，本書主角克里斯 或又稱亞歷山大超級游民，一位前途無限的優秀大學畢業生，畢業後安靜地在阿拉斯加曠野中隕落。

Yes, just as the title mentioned, the main character of this book, Christopher aka Alexander Supertramp, an excellent university graduate who died alone in the wild Alaska after graduated.

我跟隨著本書作者親身追朔克里斯的蹤跡一路來到了旅途終點站，也許文章在回憶克里斯死亡後劃下句點，但是這事件牽起人對生命態度的張力，卻是在我腦海中蕩漾不去。

I follow the author's footsteps, tracing where Christopher had been along the way till the end of the journey.

其實，我覺得自己流著一部分克里斯般的血液。
Actually, I feel a part of Christopher-like blood flowing in me.


在閱讀這本書時，我發現自己不時的在理性與感性的抉擇中遊走，真的，有時覺得自己有人格分裂的特質。
When I was reading this book, I found myself wonder constantly between the choice of sense and sensibility. Surely, sometime I think I have traits of split personality.     


一部分敢於做夢的我，覺得這樣史詩般的冒險是對於真實自我的實踐。克里斯的死亡對我而言不是重點。我不願以自殺的角度去解釋他的熱情，而是對生命那種豁出去的熱血及勇氣。克里斯是位藝術家。藝術家通常不願以完全現實的角度去解釋生命，而且，藝術家很重視能夠聆聽自我心聲的空間。我想表達的並不只是孤獨而已，而是獨自承擔那特立獨行的責任。有時候，為自己的理想發聲也是很孤獨的。
A part of me dare to dream. I adore his epic adventure and convinced that it put the idea of true to self into practice. For me, Christopher's death is not the point. I do not want to explain his passion with the angle of suicide. His passion speaks of his courage in living no matter what it takes. Christopher was an artist. Artists usually are not willing to explain lives from the total reality point of view. And, artists value the space where they can listen to their voice of self. What I want to express here is not just loneliness. It is a responsibility to bear the result of independent decision. Sometime, speaks for the ideal self is fairly lonely.


一部份膽怯的我，覺得這樣魯莽的勇氣為人所可惜。再一次強調，死亡並不是我覺得我為之可惜的重點，而是那依舊未發生的可能。有時候自己很叫自己失望，因為我為了實現眼前的可能而放棄了做夢的勇氣。但是對於有限能力的軀體，我並沒有本事去實踐對於未來任何可能性。人生，就是這樣矛盾。
A part of me is taken over by fear,feels pity for this kind of rash courage. Again, I feel pity for not only Christopher's death, but, more important, for that possibilities within the unknown. Often I let myself down, because I give up the courage to dream for the short sight reality. But, as the limited flesh, I do not have the ability to practice the possibilities of the future. Life contradicted.


“山巒不能承擔夢想” 一詞出自於作者自述其冒險經歷中的領悟。這句話讓我在矛盾中找到了新的平衡。
"Mountains could not bear dreams" came from the author's understanding during one of his own adventure into the wild.


在人生低潮中，我們常自認征服某種事物能帶來危機中的轉機，能填平心中坑洞的滿足。但是，往往叫人失望的是，征服帶來的是更大的坑洞，因為我們總有辦法說服自己回到低潮中。
During the slumps in life, we often think conquest of something can bring the turning around the crisis, that sanctification can fill the holes within our heart. However, the result disappoint us for conquest brings lagers holes that needed to be filled. Because, we always have a way to convince ourselves back into the slumps.


那麼，對於山巒不能承擔的夢想，我該如何處理呢？
What about those dreams that even mountains couldn't bear? What should I do?


嗯，我也無解。我就是少了份克里斯的熱血吧！
Well, I have no idea. I just lack the passion that Christopher had.


不過，
Although,


我雖沒有勇氣去實踐，
even I don't have courage to put dreams into action,


但也不缺固執而願意放棄。
I do have enough stubbornness that will not give them up.

肉身之願 Flash and hope

近日，
Recently,

因梅雨季節影響， 天空蒙灰 。
due to the impact of the rainy season, the sky covered with gray.

近日，
Recently,

受社會事件影響，人心蒙灰。
due to the impact of society tragic events, people's heart covered with gray. 


天燈，
Sky Lantern,

早至村民避難報平安之用，
it can be traced back to the purpose of sending safe signals as the villagers taking refuge from disaster during the ancient period,  

後至節慶祈福之祭器，
later on, it was used as a mediator to seek blessing during the festival.

都脫不了肉身對於外界侷限的關係。
either way, it connects the relationship between the flash and the external limitations.


望向無盡且未知的天，
Look to the endless sky and to the unknown,

人 且能不被提醒自己生命的短暫和脆弱？
how can human not be reminded their impermanent life and its fragility?

那繁星般緩然而升的天燈，
Those starry like lanterns slowly rise up,

寄予著肉身對未來的不安與願。
placed upon the anxiety and hope within the flash.

縱使 最終 將回到重力牽引的人間大地，
Although, eventually, its destiny is to return the gravitational earth,

那霎那之光，
that instant of light,

也算安撫，
can be considered to appease,

短暫，
briefly,

肉身托願的希望吧。
the wishful hope of the flash。

閒 Breeze

已經過了一段時間了。
It's been a while.


第一年的工作生活匆匆而過。總覺得規律的步調中好像又少些什麼, 卻也捨不得花些多餘時間靜下來思考這個問題。
My first years of working life pass by quick. Often, I felt this kind of regular pace living lack of something, although, I can not bear to spend extra time to think dwell on this question.

泡一杯咖啡的時間夠不夠？
Is enjoying a cup of coffee enough time for that?

也許,
maybe,

還不如倒頭大睡來得值得。
it's no more worth than a long nap.

現在總算親身體驗那種對尋找不平衡中而平衡的渴望。
Finally, I too experienced the desire to seek the balance among the imbalance.


已經過了一段時間了。
It's been a while.


梅雨過境,
During the passing of plum rain season,

聽著穿林打葉聲, 想像腳踩因雨洗而浸潤的濕土,

I listen to the sound of raindrops, image stepping foot into the soaking wet soil.

呼吸之間,
between my breathing,

享受,
enjoy

那自由之清風。
the breeze of freedom.


真的, 已經過了一段時間了。
Truly, it's been a while.